2021. február 26. Címlapra!
[Regisztráció]  [Profil szerkesztése]  [Beállítások szerkesztése]  [Keresés]
[Magánüzenetek]  [Felhasználók listája [Bejelentkezés]
MagyarOnline.net Fórumok >> Humor >> Viccek angolul
Új topik indítása   Üzenet küldése
Ugrás a ( 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 következő lap )
 Ferencz Zsuzsanna  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2008-02-22 16:00   
Persze, hogy beszélnek, Hubicsek. Mégpedig arról, hogy te kitavaszodtál
 huba  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2008-02-22 07:55   
Kedves Zsuzsa, valóban igazad van.
Már abban sem vagyok biztos, hogy a piritós kenyerek beszélnek-e egyáltalán valamilyen nyelvet...

 Ferencz Zsuzsanna  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2008-02-21 15:59   
Kedves Huba, miből gondolod, hogy az oh baby angolul van? Számos nyelven lehet...
 huba  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2008-02-21 11:46   

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2007-12-02 02:35   
We have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Pet Value and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30kg before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that essentially it was a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought that guy was going to have a heart attack; he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2007-10-23 02:29   
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

 GTamás  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2007-06-20 13:25   
A United Nations survey was once conducted with this question:
"Please, what's your opinion on the lack of food in the rest of the world"?
The result was a failure.
1 - In Africa no one knew what was "food";
2 - In Western Europe no one knew what was "lack";
3 - In Eastern Europe no one knew what was "opinion";
4 - In Latin America no one knew what was "please";
5 - In the United States of America no one knew what was "rest of the world ".

 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2007-02-10 04:44   
2007-02-10 04:19, cassiopea:
"Cause you're ugly."

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2007-02-10 04:19   
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 Tihi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2006-08-26 14:59   
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2006-04-29 01:45   
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

 seci  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2006-03-21 13:19   
Company Policy: Effective from February 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offender's category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2006-03-20 01:07   

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 fodorerika  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-12-21 14:38   
 seci  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-12-15 13:56   
An absolutely politically correct Season's Greeting

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "BRITAIN" in the northern hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wishee to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-24 18:08   
2005-09-24 18:05, cassiopea:

>>>>> What do I have to do to become a monk? <<<<<

Step #1: your car must brake down near a monastery.


 boots  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-24 14:54   
What do I have to do to become a monk?
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-23 01:47   

 seci  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-22 15:23   
God, Adam and headace...

God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him,

and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 seci  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-22 15:21   
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.  He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.  Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.  As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.  The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.  That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.  The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you.  You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right.  I'm dying to know.  If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"   The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.  When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task.  Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.  He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.  There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations.  You are now a monk.  We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.  He says, "Real funny.  May I have the key?"  The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.  Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.  The man demands the key to the stone door.  The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.  He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.  Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.  So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end.  He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. 

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-22 04:47   

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-22 04:32   
 timeaCT  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-17 09:17   
2005-09-10 00:46, cassiopea:

Regen nevettem mar ilyen jot........halas koszonet

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-09-10 00:46   
 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-08-11 00:30   
2005-08-11 00:03, cassiopea:

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-08-11 00:03   
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-06-01 14:45   
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well,good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smit
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-05-19 15:11   

Police Deptartment

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"


 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-29 21:02   

Mailman Retires

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"

 dórica  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-29 16:03   
Három boszorkány, három swatch órát néz. Melyik boszorkány melyik swatch órát nézi?

Hogy hangzik ez...... angolul?

Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?

Ugrás a ( 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 következő lap )
Új topik indítása   Üzenet küldése

Irjon nekünk! - Impresszum - Médiaajánlat - Súgó