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MagyarOnline.net Fórumok >> Humor >> Viccek angolul
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 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-29 02:52   
Blame MUM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, go see the BITCH in the kitchen!"

 Rzsike  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-28 23:40   
Az enyém meg szerencsére nincs itthon amikor főzök....
 bobe  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-28 21:18   
Ez egy vicctelen vicc volt, még szerencse hogy a párom nem ért angolul
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-28 20:41   

 Vörös  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2005-04-28 13:18   
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful . CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-26 18:14   
2004-11-26 14:55, Perec:
- http://www.geordie.org.uk/
Thanks , Perec ! This is fun ! Don't tell me you speak Geordie !?!

 perec  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-26 14:55   
A Geordie councillor gets invited to Buckingham Palace.
The Queen asks him at the reception:
- Would you like cake or a meringue?
- No, you're not wrong lass, I do want cake.


 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-25 23:25   
2004-11-25 23:12, katika:
- ami bisztos az hogy most négy éve valami nem volt rendjén
Az is a szemszogektol meg a media beallitasatol fugg . Az eremnek mindig KET oldala van .

 katika  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-25 23:12   
2004-11-25 20:29, fellegvar:
Természetes hogy nem, de ami bisztos az hogy most négy éve valami nem volt rendjén

 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-25 20:29   
2004-11-25 19:46, katika:
- Bush Wins Florida!

Kedves Katika !
Viccen kivul , gondolod , hogy EPPEN ilyen szornyu volt ?
Udv: Katica

 katika  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-11-25 19:46   
Bush Wins Florida!

 ubuge  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-10-26 11:41   
A trainstation is where trains stop.
A busstation is where buses stop.
My desktop is a workstation.

 perec  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-10-22 11:32   
A man in some discomfort tells his doctor that he's eaten something that disagrees with him.

"No you haven't!" - comes the speech bubble from his stomach.

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-10-22 05:34   

 kaytee  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-10-20 19:55   
Inkább a politikai viccek közé illene, de angolul van, igy iderakom:


Utána kattintás a "This is the video Voting Machine" linkre.

 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-10-17 00:44   
What do most men say after sex?

"Honey, I'll be home in a half an hour."


 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-09-05 02:17   
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-08-29 04:32   
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-08-28 03:39   
The Conversion to Euro English...

With the implementation of the Eurodollar underway in Europe these last few years, the European Union is trying to find new ways to standardize practices in Europe.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

 fellegvar  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-07-23 00:15   
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.


 kaytee  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-07-21 18:39   
From a male comic:

For us, guys, having women for friends is absurd. It's like standing in front of an ATM machine and your bank balance is only 19.5o.

 Valeria  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-02-29 22:58   
by UnknownBrilliant Woman Author

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget
where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what
you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14
kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea
of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can
fit into their stuff.

 Valeria  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-02-29 22:36   
Why men should not take phone messages.

Man writing note:

"The gyna college called, they say that the pabst beer was OK. I did not know that you liked beer".

 kaytee  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-02-23 21:41   

One liners from the late shows, Leno, Letterman, etc.

 ManuAlex  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-02-19 21:35   
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said It was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The Little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
 Valeria  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-02-10 03:10   

The creation of pets

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

 Valeria  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-31 02:41   
An Irish Engineer named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order.

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character and good engineer, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

You gotta love the Irish!

 Valeria  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-31 02:41   
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married. They had a little sweet potato, whom they called Yam.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam told her parents not to worry. No Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise and eat well so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. When she went out west, she was told to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam promised to stay on the straight and narrow, not to associate with those high class Yukon Golds nor the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, "Frito Lay."

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw??

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...........


The End

 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:49   
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
Departmental Manager: "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
Hardware Engineer: "No, that will take far too long and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way."
Software Engineer: "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:47   
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied "Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

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