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MagyarOnline.net Fórumok >> Humor >> Viccek angolul
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 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:45   
A guy walks into the bar really depressed. The bartender asks him what his problem is. "My dog just died today and the damn vet charged me $640.00." The bartender says "Wow, that is pretty high. What did the vet do?" "Not much. I bring the dog in there and tell him 'You gotta help him, Doc, this is the best dog I ever had.' The vet pokes at him for a few minutes and says' I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.' I say 'Come on, Doc, this is my best dog, there's gotta be something you can do.' The vet says 'OK, we can try one more thing.' He goes over to this cage and grabs this cat and brings it over to the dog and swings it around the dog's head. The vet says 'Sorry, but he's gone. That'll be $640.00.' I said 'What! $640.00 to declare the dog dead?' He says 'Yeah. $40.00 for the office visit and $600.00 for the CAT scan.'


 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:43   
After a rather "wet" night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor "Would you like a chair there?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."
 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:37   
It could happen

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob. One
lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket.

 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-21 22:34   
New Pet

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede
(100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box. He took the box
back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he
asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me

and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but
he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about
going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no
answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f***ng shoes."

 
 Zuloaga  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2004-01-19 11:27   
Angolok magyarul


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- What can there (Vadkender)

- Hole one a wait say? (Hol van a WC?)

- One Kate Lee bumm (Van két libám)

- All cut race (Alkatrész)

- Hot show race (Hátsórész)

- Kitchen get neck (Kicsengetnek)

- New see one up road? (Nyuszi van apród?)

- Me of us one? (Mi a f...z van?)

- One hut one Kate catch came (Van hatvankét kecském)

- Hut are row Zoe saw (Határozószó)

- Sun cow (Szánkó)

- Sir one a you come on (Szor van a lyukamon)

- This no all (Disznóól)

- Kate no mud touch cow one a bock Ron tool. (Két nomád tacskó van a bokron túl.)

- Beer luck! (Bírlak!)

- Soul a new! (Szól anyu!)

- Tap ate a. (Tapéta.)

- Fog peace call low. (Fogpiszkáló.)

- Tape at war you one a fun. (Tépett varjú van a fán.)


 
 ManuAlex  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-11-19 22:13   
The Original Hollywood Squares

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde:) If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver:) Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel:) Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. (Don Knotts:) That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie:) No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver:) My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price:) No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A (George Gobel:) I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie:) You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver:) Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie:) Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde:) Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie:) Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen:) Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde:) Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde:) Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver:) It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. (George Gobel:) Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde:) Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel:) Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde:) Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver:) I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver:) His feet

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-11-05 00:17   
Did I Say He Wanted To


A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-10-30 04:47   
I Love Her But


I Love Her, But...
(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)


... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.

... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T- shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.

... every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.

... Shes stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.
--Neil, Orlando, Fla.

... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
--Archie, St. Louis

... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

... it annoys her that our children look like me.
--James, New Orleans

... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women.Somebody's always got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-09-01 03:06   
Fishing Trip...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week and this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. So, would you please pack enough clothes for me for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We'll be leaving from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this last request sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what
her husband asked. At the end of the weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked?"
"I did. They're in your tackle box."


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-08-23 04:08   
Pay back time


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
''Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.''

''One penny?!'' exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, ''Yes.'' So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, ''Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?''

''Certainly sir,'' replies the bartender, ''but all that comes to real money.''
''How much money?'' inquires the guy.
''Four cents,'' he replies.

''Four cents?!'' exclaims the guy. ''Where's the guy who owns this place?''
The barman replies, ''Upstairs with my wife.'' The guy says, ''What's he doing with your wife?''
The bartender replies, ''Same as what I'm doing to his business.''



 
 Kero  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-08-11 18:46   
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know
we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
And slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
flyover. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks
her: Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. No, I've got
everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles.

"The airbag."











Muhahahahhaaaaaaaa

nemisollan jo

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-08-03 21:24   
Teacher: "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?"
Boy: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Boy: "Seven!"
Teacher: "How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?"
Boy: "I've already got one rabbit at home now!"


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-07-29 18:20   

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!!!



 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-07-25 04:09   

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"


 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-07-09 22:13   
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have
curtains"!!!....

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo.... I've got Windows"!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-06-28 05:54   

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said:
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:
"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said:
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

 
 Kero  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-06-09 14:07   
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Camille Paglia

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant. George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole Relationship. Sharon Stone


Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. Tiger Woods

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful. Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are Having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
Swelling. So what's the problem? Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Rod Stewart


See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams

 
 Kero  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-06-06 16:26   
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said,"Implants?"

4. I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been"

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-06-04 02:08   
Lawyer Fees


A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a
wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the
friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation
of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back
with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate
him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the
attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet,
removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred
dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-05-28 01:34   
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in
his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus
is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
and
began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching
you
"
Freaked out, he shined his light around, frantically looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam
came to
rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus"

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-05-16 04:09   
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.

"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says:

"I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-05-10 02:16   
MULE FOR SALE

A farmer is driving down the road and spots a sign that reads " Mule For Sale " he decides to at least look at the mule to see if it is of good quality. He talks to the owner which tells him that the mule is the faster mule alive, and that it is very different from other mules. The owner explains to the farmer that the mule will only proceed to walk when the phrase... " Praise The LORD " is spoken and the more you say it the faster he will go, to stop the mule, the owner explains you gotta say "Hallelujah". The farmer decides to ride the mule to see if the owner is telling the truth. he gets on the mule and screams out ... "Praise the LORD!" the mule takes off the farmer then Yells "Hallelujah!" To which the mule stops. The farmer, seeing that he is a pretty good distance from the owner, decides to see just how fast the mule will go, so he Yells out " Praise The LORD" and the mule takes off he repeats the phrase over and over until he is really moving it along. The farmer looks up and sees he is coming up on a Very high cliff that drops off to a deep canyon below, and decides he had better stop the mule, when he realized he forgotten what the word was to stop the mule..hoping to hit the right word, he starts rambling and spouting out words... "AMEN!" ... "GLORY!".... "SWEET JESUS!" ... "AMAZING GRACE!" .... He sees he's getting closer and closer to the cliff when right at the edge of the cliff he yells ... "HALLELUJAH!!!" To which the mule stops dead in his tracks. The farmer, out of breath and shaking from the fright wipes the sweat from his brow looks up to heaven and says .... "Whew! Praise the LORD!"

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-05-10 02:06   
Sobriety Test

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"
The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-30 14:40   
Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:


1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-28 00:22   
>> P.S.: Andi, I hope you don't MIND that I've moved this link over here. It's really funny. <<


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-28 00:21   
From andi_usa:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blsaddampictures.htm

P.S.: Andi, I hope you don't that I've moved this link over here. It's really funny.

 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-24 04:28   
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."


 
 bimbi  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-17 03:08   
A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest.

"Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do ?"

The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy !"


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-17 02:03   
A Senior Moment

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. "
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: " Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: " A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man.
"You know -the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


 
 cassiopea  módosítás |   válasz erre |   profil |  2003-04-13 04:08   
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."




 
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